My #1 Struggle in Hearing God

What I struggle with the most when it comes to my walk with God is distractions. Especially social media, YouTube, Tv and worrying what others think. Everyday waking up trying to reprioritize my mind what’s important and what’s not. When 98% of the things I think/worry, do in my spare time, and look at on my phone are not important at all. I think a lot people have that one thing that God delivered them from and is their testimony, but everyday we are sinners, everyday God is saving us and helping us work through things. One day I was feeling like I am not hearing God anymore, when I first started my journey everyday I would get poem, song, or revelation. I prayed God why can’t I hear you, then wrote down this poem. It was a wake up call he revealed “it’s not me (God) I love you and never leaving- your distracted with everything/ everyone and wonder why you can’t hear me”. I truly feel that I didn’t write this (I know that sounds crazy) but for real I wrote it down, looked at it and knew none of it came from me. I absolutely hated English in school. Until this last year I never read a book for my own pleasure in my whole life, by no means did I ever think in a million years I would be writing down poems and songs. It just goes to show if we stop telling God how the relationship is going to go and telling him how he is going to use us, and submit to him. Things you never saw coming will happen because he is God.The first poem I ever wrote, was after I decided to do YWAM school (I will share it in a later blog) and I thought “this is nice”. Two weeks later saw Clayton Jennings who has awesome Christian spoken word videos. I was like wait God you use poems to spread your word. I was in awe and kind of ashamed that I always put God in a box. When he can use anything he wants, anyone, in anyway to spread his kingdom on earth. That includes YOU! I wanted to share this poem this week because it’s something that I am still struggling with a lot this last month and I think a lot of people can relate- it’s written as God is the one talking. If you have a struggle you want to share go to the contact page I want to pray for you.

POEM: Sinners Voicemail

Leave a message after the beep

BEEP

The deceiver delivered Adam and Eve out of their destiny
The chosen now unholy
Covered in leaves
Hiding in the trees
Hiding from me
The one who gave them a heart beat
What does this have to do with you
Belief into deceived
Crushed mustard seed
Adam and Eve that was so many years ago
Let me get to the point I know you got 10 text messages 5 seconds ago

Child why can’t you hear me when I am calling your name
Child don’t hide don’t run in shame
I sent my sons grace to deliver you
If only you would let me replace
The sin you have chosen to call home
You ask the universe- not me
Why you can’t get out of the situation your living in
Yet You refuse to give up the sin your lying in
Long enough for me to change you
Show you how your positioning is molding you

You can’t put your distractions away
Satan is beautiful
Like, scroll, and dream into a new life all day
Stop trying to be someone else, when I created you perfectly
You will be trying to fill this hole for the rest of your life
Unless you let me spring up a well
To flood out the hell you have created in yourself
I can cleanse you
Eternal life is waiting for you

But you won’t clean your ears or eyes or mouth
And your so consumed with the lies the world is feeding you
Stop eating your obesity is killing you
You will not climb higher in life when your dead weight is making it hard to breath
Your suffocating yourself
Look at me
If only you wouldn’t swallow
Instead chew on my truth
Be transformed not conformed
Prosperous life

Yet when I send you a best friend in the darkest times
You spit in her face, pull her hair, cuss her into thin air
I guess this is the only way to tell you
Grace has been trying to call you
Next time you might want to answer
She has a very important message for you
She has been in your contacts since the beginning
Every time you clicked on darkness instead of the light
Hating yourself not sleeping at night,
When you should have been dreaming about the wonders of life

Grace wanted to save you
A friend who will always hear you
She doesn’t need comments or likes
24/7 grace wants you just the way you are
Be apart of your life
She can save you from the sins you have fallen into
You just have to call her back, she is waiting for you

You weren’t meant to carry the knowledge of the world in your back pocket
And worship it like a deity
And throw away your morals to the first person who pays attention to you
Child do you hear me
There is no where you can go
Where I don’t love you or can save you
Put me on speaker phone I love you
And I am not going anywhere, I claim you as my child

I am not going to stand down
When the prince of the air is hunting you
Lion on the prowl wanting to devour you
Because there is nothing or no one who can defeat me
But you let evil in minute after minute denying me
No wonder your stressed
And even though you have the knowledge of the world
You can’t see it’s a trap

The world wants you to miss the very thing that gives you life
By feeding you things you think you need to survive
But only brings you lies
And I don’t want you to die wondering what happened to the time
Why did I waste my life when I could have been living
Is the question I don’t want my children to be asking

We look at Eve and ask why did she bite the apple
Yet you can’t keep your eyes off the bitten Apple
Bitting into it everyday
Bitting the apple thinking it’s going to better you
Bitting the apple looking for a different you
Bitting the apple believing you will get ahead
Bitting the apple hand delivered from the enemy
Bitting the apple when I can make you no longer hungry
Bitting the apple losing me
Bitting the apple rotting your destiny
Bitting into the apple looking for anything to hold onto
But the guy on top of you is only going to crush you
Bitting the apple like it’s your next high—candy– roller coaster ride

Stop fooling yourself, I know your sick from the twists and up side downs
Thrown off course
If only you could see I am the cornerstone
Your foundation where you can stand tall, you will never fall- where I can’t catch you
Come to my banquet and I will forever sustain your appetite
With my sons name Jesus Christ

But you can’t hear me over
Ringing, dinging, buzzing all day long trying to to distract you
From seeing yourself, who you have become
Likes are your heroin
Comments cocaine
Snapchats from boys are your pain killers
Child please stop I am calling your name
Apples for you to bite are falling all around you
phone, social media, tv, friends, family,
Opposite sex just wanting to get you to your knees so you can worship them
Instead of me

Quit bitting the apple eve your just being deceived
Don’t think your alone
It’s everyone around you
Moms, dads, young adults, teens, children, families
Your all being deceived
The place you have access to read my truth
Is the same place you can watch pornography
It’s time to look up and see the world that I created for you
I set you a apart consecrated you
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
Plans to give you hope and a future

What I have planned for you is inconceivable to the human mind
I am just asking you to communicate with me
Start pruning your tree
But you need to stop letting what’s around you, separate us
Destroy you
Put down the apple eve all I want to do is love you

It breaks my heart to see you cry
I promise the heat from my light
will evaporate the tears you cry
Rainbow, sunshine, I will send to you even in the darkest night
Let me save you
Please call home
I am waiting
Love your Heavenly Father

Sorry voice mailbox is full, sinner will not receive your message

 

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”

I Am Begging You, Just Be You

I seen them, and I knew I had to be their friend
They always looked happy and got lots of attention
I made a list of what it would take to be one of them
Traded in my clarinet, my wardrobe, music, hair color, dissed my family and friends
Painted my nails, let go of some morals, tried to be thin
Sooner or later they let me in
I reached the circle every girl wishes to be in

But listen here
That wishing well is only filled with tears
From all the girls who got there
Praying that one day they could finally find their old selves
Who they used to be
Trapped in a never ending game of hide and go seek
20 questions turned into 20 million questions of who am I

Young girl it’s not worth cutting off your limbs
To squeeze yourself through the cookie cutter mold they hold
To get to the other side to realize you no longer feel whole
And a hole from where you left your soul on the other side of the cookie cutter mold
Now looking into the mirror to only see a black hole
To throw anything at yourself you can get your hands on
To try and make yourself feel better
because it was worth it
To sell yourself to the devil
But it wasn’t

No it’s the hunger games and you have no self esteem to fight to survive
So you try to Repay the price for which you sold yourself
But you already made the deal my dear
The day you decided to rebel
And go against all the morals your creator held
In his hands to feed you
Communion, Sunday
But you decided to let your insides decay
And decorate your face like a cake
Dress as if you only have one rag to cover yourself
And pretend your not cold

Even though you shake yourself to sleep as you weep
Pretending the rocking is from the lap of your grandmother
Singing you lullabies
Trying to remember that girl
With innocences, who didn’t care
Trust me I have been there
I threw away everything to try and fit in
To only find out to fit
Means to commit murder
A lifetime sentence to insecurity
Prison food, you can’t eat that
No boy will ever want you, if you look like that
To be popular is to drink poison
Because you will start
To not even want you
And throw yourself into any situation that lets you escape
I am begging you young girl
Save your self from bleeding to death
Don’t cut off your limbs
So you can sit at the lunch table with them

God created you perfect
You are beautiful
Did you hear me
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
Don’t let the world misconstrue
All the talents God gave you
You are fearfully and wonderfully made
I am begging you young girl
Just be you

Psalm 46:5 “God is within her, she will not fall.”
Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”
Romans 5:8 “I loved you at your darkest”
1 Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.”
2 Chronicles 20:15 “The battle is not ours, but God’s.”

STORY TIME

In middle school I was in the band not really popular, had great friends, and a desire to be cool. I remember making a list and sayings to myself I am going to be their friend. I played sports too, so I made more of an effort to go out of my way to be nice to the popular crowd. I wouldn’t say we were bffs off the bat, but by the next year I was sitting at their lunch table. Eighth grade wasn’t bad, but high school was when everything hit the fan. I began to compromise more and more of what I believed was right and how you treat people. I realized that there was nothing wrong with my old friends and they were completely happy. Who I was hanging out with was miserable and took it out on other people. I am from a small high school so I decided to just stay in the group to survive. Enduring 3 more years of manipulation, feeling worthless, and becoming I person I hated. The summer before my junior year my dad passed away after nine months of being diagnosed with cancer. I promise that was not the worst period of my life the memories made during that time are some of my favorite. It was the days after his death and the people I let stay in my life who had no place to be there. It took about 4 years after high school to really come to terms with things, start to move on and believe in myself. How I moved on was first stop believing the misconception that time heals all wounds. One of the biggest lies the world tells us, so we will never heal and stay hurt, depressed, bitter and never experience the fullness and faithfulness of God. We would rather chose to believe a man made concept of time which is an illusion, than take our problems to the one who gives us life. There is only one source that can heal your wounds and that is Jesus READ ISAIAH 53 “by his stripes we are healed.”I forgave the people and started praying for them. Praying that they can feel Gods love and purpose for them, praying for healing from this worlds thinking and values, but to seek the fruit of the spirit. I also had to forgive myself and pray that prayer for me. Believing that it is over to move on and know that God can’t not love me anymore or any less. The great thing about God is he is not of this world, so he doesn’t love us like the world we know. His love is pure, abounding, faithful, unconditional, steadfast, unchanging and is infinite nothing we have to do earn it. His message is always come as you are it doesn’t matter how much money you have, status, race, way of thinking, doubts, skeptism, sins, addictions, where you have been, what you have seen or done etc. GOD LOVES AND WANTS YOU FOR ETERNITY.  Whether you are 10 to 100 and your feeling trapped thinking there is no other way than what I am doing, but you know something is wrong and you are suffering. Please go to the contact page send me an email I want to pray for you!

Ephesians 6:10-17
10A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12For wec are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.13Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. 14Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. 15For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.d 16In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.e 17Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 

 

 

What Makes Me, Me?

As I look in the mirror
I criticize every detail of myself
I question if I have I heart beat
Am I still alive
As I draw a breathe
I think crap
I wish the girl in the mirror would just die
There’s no real meaning to life

I wasn’t always like this
The truth is the sparkle of life didn’t leave my eyes at 16
When you got your wings
And flew out of that hospice room at 6:35
No that fueled a fire to figure things out, prove people wrong, make something of myself
Even if I collapsed in the rat race
Nothing was going to stop the fight, I had to finish for you, you were to young to die
A little girl always needs her dad by her side

Wanting to make him proud is what gave me hope in the dead of night
The sparkle didn’t leave my eyes until I stepped out the door at 18
With wild dreams and determination
I didn’t need anyone to survive
Only to be met with the harsh reality that no one cares if I live or die
Opinions, and people who stand by wishing for my dream to die
Depression sets in and greeted with a standing ovation
The problem is this world doesn’t understand what I have already been facing

I have a Family that’s worth fighting for
A parade of kids who love me
More than I could ever ask for
The Sun will come out tomorrow is the song I will forever sing
No I am not a child
But I refuse to sip whatever you put in your adult drink
Standing in the mirror looking straight into my eyes
Trying to figure out what is the meaning of life

I had accomplished everything society expected of me
I should have been able to fall asleep
But the world never stops it’s whispers
I sold my self short that night
To a guy who probably doesn’t even remember what I look like
Hatred, shame, you name it, that was my name that day
That’s when I heard you say
“do YOU know that I love you, do you KNOW that I love you, do you know that I love you”

I am your Heavenly Father your going to be okay
I promise you can be saved by my sons grace
That hole you feel of wanting more
I am the only key to that locked door
You are not a whore, your sins are already paid for
I knew you before you were born
I saw your face as I hung from the cross that day,
Yes I came for the human race but trust me child I saw your face

The world thought I was a disgrace
Little did they know I would rise in 3 days
Forever being your saving grace
Love is the only message
I welcome you with open arms
Have faith, I am God
I never change, forsake or break a promise I make
I love you

Washed in the blood
You are made new
I have great plans for you
That far exceed what you are able to think
Pick up your cross child trust in me
You think this is living
You haven’t seen a party until you have been in Heaven
I can give you more than you can even imagine

“If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord
and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead,
you will be saved.”
Standing in the mirror looking straight into my eyes
The sparkle returned for the first time
22 I don’t want to die
That was the day that changed my whole life

God I surrender all to you
I can never repay you
So I will give you my soul and promise to fight the fight
To make Jesus Christ the light for all those lost in the night
To spread the word to all the nations
Send me
I want to be a firefly
For those who feel they aren’t strong enough
To make it through this momentary world life
Representing hope
There is resurrection for all lives
Only through you God will they be able to fill the hole inside
Be given eternal life

Psalms 27:1  “The Lord is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, whom shall I be afraid?”

Romans 10:9 “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

Psalms 62:5-6 “Only God gives inward peace, and I depend on Him. God alone is the mighty rock that keeps me safe, and he is the fortress where I feel secure.”

Every scar, every heart break, every challenge makes me, me. God is molding me so I can answer his call of spreading his kingdom to the ends of the earth. I am in awe, by  his works, his desire for a personally relationship and wake up everyday in desperate need of his truth and guidance, GOD IS REAL!  God is good and he is faithful I am a working progress, but there is nothing God doesn’t finish that he has started.

Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

First Blog Post: Site Idenity

Trying to be a wild flower in a concrete jungle of this world and the American Dream that sets in concrete the standard at which success is measured. Which determines your value as a person how much money you have, your car, house, followers, Facebook likes etc. What if I told you I wanted to throw it all away, blow up everything I have accomplished so far. Blow up every idea of success pushed down my throat since kindergarten. Burn every picture on every social media platform I look to, to tell me what happiness looks like. Leaving me to figure out who I am, when really I just want to know why can’t I be them. Suffocating in comparison, poisoned by envy, and walking dead by jealousy. What if I told you at 22 I had accomplished everything society asked of me. I have a career in a job I love, my own apartment, moved away from home live by the beach, located in the #1 most visited city in the world. Feeling empty inside and question is this really it. Only to found out it means nothing and in the end if I die with only these things I acquired for myself my life was wasted. What did I really do, did I leave the world any better than when I was born into it. Trying to feel grateful and content only to be met with a stirring that if a butterfly is a small insect so beautiful with so many colors and can fly. Wouldn’t God have a more creative plan for my life much bigger plans than to work and die. At 23 I have found the love of my life Jesus Christ it was a long road to get to this point. I didn’t think this is where I would be writing a post about Jesus, but grace chases you down and shakes you to the core. Every question I have had about who am I, why am I here, what is the point to all this…I have the answers by finding my identity in Jesus Christ. Whatever your hell is that you are living in whether it’s feeling worthless, depression, addiction, sickness, trauma, relationships, or whatever it may be God is the only one that can give you the purest love, peace, strength, joy, guidance and this is his promise to us.

I googled what happens to plants after a fire article said “trees and decaying plant matter, when a fire turns them to ashes, nutrients return to soil instead of remaining captive in old vegetation. And when fire rages through dry underbrush, it clears thick growth so sunlight can reach the forest floor and encourage growth of native species. Fire frees these plants from the competition delivered from invasive weeds and eliminates diseases or droves of insects that may have been causing damage to old growth. Wild flowers begin to bloom abundantly.”

Article: https://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/green-science/how-forest-fire-benefit-living-things-2.htm

Let’s Break it Down:
You don’t have to walk through the fire for when God puts out the flames the ashes of your past are going to be the nutrients for your future. These are the nutrients that are going to help others grow and inspire them. Whatever skepticism or doubts you have God says come as you are faith the size of a mustard seed seek God and watch him work in your life.
Matthew 17:20
And He said to them, “Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.

Your old self is burned away you no longer have to live with anxiety, depression, addiction etc. you are set free from captivity or whatever chains were placed on you by the world. You are the beginning of a new creation the ashes is your testimony which is your nutrients to remind yourself of how great God is, his faithfulness and worthy of praise.
John 15:5
I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

Fire clears thick growth- any and all burdens you carry God wants to take from you. All your pain and scares you don’t have to hold on to anything the world has done to you or made think about yourself. You are set free.
Matthew 11:28-30
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Thick growth clears so sunlight can reach the forest floor and encourage growth. Let the revelation of Jesus, who he is and his love for you be the light that evaporates the tears you cry.
James 1:17
17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
Psalm 27:1
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?
1 Peter 2:9
9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.

Encourage Growth- stop trying to hide in shame invite him in, God wants to know your problems and have a personally relationship with you. In order for him to get inside your heart you have to let go of some of the hurt so you can move forward and see all God has planned for you. God wants you exactly the way you are God can not love you anymore or any less than he does right now in this moment. Gods love is not earned or held at a standard there is nothing you can do to earn it. It’s giving freely and abundantly he does not love like the world because he is not of this world.
Psalms 86:15
“But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.”

Fire frees these plants from the competition delivered from invasive weeds and eliminates diseases or droves of insects that may have been causing damage to old growth. Christ gives the authority to bring us out of a life of comparison, competition, rat race of the world and deliver us from the belief of self serving success of achieving the American Dream is the only thing worth living for.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Eliminates Diseases- whether it be sickness, metal, or physical pain.
Isaiah 53:5
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Psalm 103:2-4
2 Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Wild flowers bloom abundantly- that God wants us to be free to be transformed, unafraid, worry less, burden less, to rejoice in him and bloom abundantly. The only message is love and by him be set free blooming all around the world showing the beauty of God for everyone to see spreading gospel and saving souls.

Listen here Wildflower:
I wrote this Song to encourage others stop letting the world devastate you and living in hell that your not supposed to be in. That there is a Savior that calls you beloved and desires to have a personally relationship with you. To let go and call on God even though most of the time we deny him not willing to take what he offers. The purest love and guidance instead choosing sin and self sabotage. When God is not only going to give you just what you need, but obliterate any box you put him in. Giving you identity, purpose, guidance, and able to overcome anything. Stop fueling fire around you and let God put out the flames, start new, light fire inside you to live for him and have eternal life.

Song: Wildflower

Dizzy from the circles I was lost
Checked my pulse
I was alive, but wondered why
The weight of the world had me feeling 6ft under
Who am I
Then your words shook my corpse alive
God you held me tight
With the whispers to get me through the night
You spoke awakening into my life

Maybe you should put down your own match first
I will always be there to save you from the fire
But maybe you should put down the lighter
I will always be here with my arms open wide
ready to protect you from the engulfing of your life
But I am asking you

To put down the gasoline
stop fueling the fire with sin
Put down the gasoline
Take my hand
Throw down your shame
Throw down regrets
Can’t you see
You don’t have to live in a forest fire
Look to the clouds I can take you higher
I can take you higher

You cant see me through the smoke
child it pains me to watch you choke
Call on me to spring up a well
Overflow, Fill the hole inside your soul
Put out the flames and birth growth
Out of ashes beauty rose
Field of wild flowers
Listen here wild flower

Put down the gasoline
stop fueling the fire with sin
Put down the gasoline
take my hand
Throw down your shame
Throw down regrets
Can’t you see
You don’t have to live in a forest fire
Look to the clouds I can take you higher
I can take you higher

You are a vessel , Water flows
Holy Spirit, fill the hole inside your soul
Put out the flames and Birth growth
Out of ashes beauty rose
Field of wild flowers
Listen here wild flower

Put down the gasoline
stop fueling the fire with sin
Put down the gasoline
take my hand
Throw down your shame
Throw down regrets
Can’t you see
You don’t have to live in a forest fire
Look to the clouds I can take you higher
I can take you higher

By my stripes you are healed, done deal
Promises, fill the whole inside your soul
Put out the flames and birth growth
Out of ashes beauty rose
Field of wild flowers
Beloved wild flower

Matches and gas in my hand
I don’t know what to do
I can barley stand
No more air in my lungs
I can’t breath
Fall on my knees
God please rescue me
I am giving you all of me

(All to Jesus I surrender, All to him I Freely give
I will ever love and trust him, in his presence daily live
I surrender all, I surrender all, all to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all.)

What if I told you I am giving it all up, to surrender to Jesus. I am going to a YWAM school with hopes to become a full time missionary. This is just the beginning of my walk with Christ and this blog is to talk about my journey, things God is placing on my heart, the highs and lows, missions, everything and all things Jesus. I give my life to Jesus to spread the gospel because his love for me is relentless and he is worthy of all my praise.